weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
