Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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