In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
