Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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