youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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