2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
she told me i tasted like america
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
