I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
