I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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