you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
