I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
