now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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