you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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