Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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