You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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