I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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