I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
