He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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