is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
