apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize