I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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