OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My bed smells like the plague
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
