I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We're too hungover to prance.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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