he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
