So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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