well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
