Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The power of my boobs compel you
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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