They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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