i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
