Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize