yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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