If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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