he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
