Who wears a wallet chain?!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
