I just threw up on my dentist
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
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