Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
