just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
