know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
