i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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