Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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