i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
