do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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