you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
