Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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