She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
