it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize