Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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