dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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