PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
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