it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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