the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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