Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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