My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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