Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
