He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
