dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
