Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
