My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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