I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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