I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He kissed a someone with a penis
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
