Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
